


be gay do crime

by raindrxpsonrxses



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Gen, Social Media, Twitter, We’ll see how it goes - Freeform, all of them - Freeform, except maybe luther, i don’t like luther if it isn’t clear so i am trying to write him as a slightly better person here, secret identities are like clark kent/superman as in put on a pair of glasses and no one suspects u, theyre all gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-12 08:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18442964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raindrxpsonrxses/pseuds/raindrxpsonrxses
Summary: the kids are super powered vigilantes with secret identities who have to struggle through high school as well as saving the world.they're also gay, meme-loving fucks who spend too much time on twitter.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hewwo uwu
> 
> this is purely self-indulgent. the umbrella academy does not belong to me. any and all twitter handles are made up, any relation to real-life ones are complete coincidences. i’ve twisted their canon powers ever so slightly - vanya and ben have more control, for example, while klaus can levitate like in the comics.
> 
> klaus! lets discuss what i've changed about him in this fic
> 
> i purposefully gave him a more witchy aesthetic bc i just get the feeling he would be into that. you know, herbal teas, crystals, incense / candles, that type of thing. i also 100% believe he would perform rituals just for shits and giggles.
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> or don’t. i can’t decide that for u uwu uwu uwu

gay and anxious @leavemealone

i raise you a question : if the vigilantes 'the umbrella academy' had twitter would they be memey or boring

 

 

Umbrella Acad News @umbrellanews

I fully believe they would be as gay as physically possible.

 

 

what the fuck @richard

just ask them lol @thekrakenisgay

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

what the fuck!! this was a secret!! i was ghosting fuck off

 

 

adams @apple

i-is that number two, aka the kraken, aka bisexual ICON

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

that would be me

 

 

gay and anxious @leavemealone

i feel like this is a fever dream um wHAT-

 

 

what the fuck @richard

yeah lol for some reason we're internet friends

 

 

adams @apple

how are u so calm!!1!!

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

yeah no i hate u horrible u gave up the secret >:(

 

 

Umbrella Acad News @umbrellanews

We have questions!

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

ooh tea ? hit me

 

 

gay and anxious @leavemealone

do the others have twitter? and if so do they enjoy memes?

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

just ask them lol @turnthemusicup @ouijatime @numberfive @queen @sixissexy @moonstars 

 

 

heart emoji @lesbean

aghhjgfjshfjlskhfks

 

 

bee movie stan @sixissexy

ugh two is fake 😔 😔

 

 

weeb @animeanime

IM SCREAMJGFHJKSHFJA THESE NAMES WTFFFF

 

 

spoopy @ouijatime

yeah two why did u turn fake on us ugh  😔 😔

 

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

seven wouldn't treat us like this  😔 😔

 

 

gay bob ross @turnthemusicup

thanks five uwu uwu but two why  😔 😔

 

 

adams @apple

WHY ARE THEY ALL SUCH BIG MOODS

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

 🔪 🔪 🔪

 

 

that bitch @queen

threaten me again and i'll ruin ur whole career

 

 

spoopy @ouijatime

yess go off my queen

 

 

buff boy @moonstars

no he threatens me all the time just leave him be

 

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

shut ur fuck

 

 

 

\-----------

 

 

Umbrella Acad News @umbrellanews

This Just In : Does Umbrella Academy Is Has Gay?

 

 

what the fuck @richard

the truth come out

 

 

buff boy @moonstars

decline comment.

 

 

spoopy @ouijatime

hella. we hella gay

 

 

buff boy @moonstars 

FOUR

 

 

bee movie stan @sixissexy

i dont like ur tone of voice sir

 

 

buff boy @moonstars

lol k

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

no one likes his tone of voice. hes a big meanie

 

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

side eyes loudly

 

 

gay bob ross @turnthemusicup

👀👀👀

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

throw shade at me again and ur kneecaps will be Gone do u understand

 

 

buff boy @moonstars

take any of their kneecaps ill beat u up

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

meet me outside dennys @ 3 am, bitch

 

 

buff boy @moonstars

lets fuckin go

 

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

im against one

 

 

bee movie stan @sixissexy

arent we all

 

 

buff boy @moonstars 

BITCH

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

uwu uwu get fucked uwu

_ [attached is an image of two, wearing a fluffy duck onesie instead of the umbrella jumpsuit. the mask is still plastered on his face and his hair is a mess. in his hands, he holds two knives, and his tongue is sticking out mockingly. in the background, you can see four eating waffles, feet kicked up onto a table.] _

 

 

what the fuck @richard

fuck it up two!! yesss bitch!!

 

 

buff boy @moonstars

fuck u 

 


	2. Chapter 2

spoopy @ouijatime

when u try to do an ancient witchy ritual to banish the screaming ghosts following u around but it doesn't work and just makes a really angry one corporeal (1/3)

 

 

spoopy @ouijatime

and then the rest of them are dragged from the spiritual plane into the physical one, upsetting the balance which makes u freak out majorly (2/3)

 

 

spoopy @ouijatime

so the terrified anguished spirits take to attacking u so u levitate to get away but it doesn't work and u get ur ass beat by a bunch of tormented, screaming souls (3/3)

 

 

spoopy @ouijatime

 

 

that bitch @queen

when u walk into ur gangs hideout to find one of ur best friends a few feet off the floor, screaming, eyes glowing, getting his ass handed to him by dead people lol

 

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

its like. shit like this happens enough we arent even concerned anymore

 

 

bee movie stan @sixissexy

i helped!!!!!1!

 

 

spoopy @ouijatime

yes u did and i am Thankful

 

 

weeb @animeanime

some random ghost : I WILL CONSUME YOUR VITAL ORGANS AND BOIL YOUR BONES. I WILL INVERT YOUR RIBCAGE AND DELETE YOUR KNEECAPS.

four :

 

 

 

gay and anxious @leavemealone

d-do i need to get you guys some therapy

 

 

gay bob ross @turnthemusicup

fgfhdsjlashfkjhdsgf probably yeah

 

 

that bitch @queen

i mean. this is par the course for us kinda??

 

 

adams @apple

i keep forgetting how wildly dangerous ur lives actually are yikes

 

 

\----------

 

 

heart emoji @lesbean

DGSHDFSGFJSGHFJLSHFAS??!!1!?1?

_[attached is a video clip. the camera is held in a shaky hand. there are gunshots, obviously a shootout, and the cameraperson is crouched behind a bench. the sound of david bowie's 'space oddity' is heard, gradually increasing in volume. the umbrella academy, fully decked out in their gear, appear on scene. five is holding the speaker on his shoulder, and six is headbanging (though the song isnt particularly a headbanger). one proceeds to beat the shit out of the shooters, with two right behind him. three is busy dancing, singing into an invisible microphone, and beats up a shooter when they try to attack her without pausing her singing. seven can be seen from the corner bopping her head along as she releases a surge of raw power against a group of shooters, sending them to the floor. when the clappy part comes on, the entire umbrella academy drop whatever's in their hands to clap. four levitates and floats over to the cameraperson. he grins, shoots a peace sign at them, before doing a few backflips and floating back to his team, who at this point have knocked out all of the attackers by the time the song ends. there is the sound of cheering, applause, and whistling. the cameraperson is screaming, presumably in joy. "peace out, bitches!" two shouts, as the group make their exit.]_

 

 

Umbrella Acad News @umbrellanews

The Umbrella Academy knock out a group of active shooters, and are apparent fans of David Bowie. Three is absolutely flawless at singing.

 

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

oh yeah lol, four and six love all the old music

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

bleh. modern music is better

 

 

spoopy @ouijatime

shjahdlsd ariana, billie, whatever else u listen to. cant compare to queen, bowie, fleetwood, the doors, pink floyd. none of them.

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

billie eilish could outsing all of them combined

 

 

bee movie stan @sixissexy

are u implying. she is better then our Gay Lord And Saviour freddie mercury ???

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

i guess lol

 

 

spoopy @ouijatime

 

 

gay bob ross @turnthemusicup

can we. keep this argument Away From Twitter. blease

 

 

that bitch @queen

yeah im not in the mood for the exact same argument we hear every day

 

 

gay bob ross @turnthemusicup

yknow im still in awe that one agrees with two in this

 

 

that bitch @queen

i know me too

 

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

lets just remember the gay anthems we can ALL bop to and get these three to stop bitching @ eachother

 

 

80s were the fucking best @sixissexy

no 

 

 

60s 70s make me WET @ouijatime

six!! wtf!!

 

 

80s were the fucking best @sixissexy

im right though

 

 

60s 70s make me WET @ouijatime

no ur wrong im right

 

 

gay bob ross @turnthemusicup

for fucks sAKE WE DONT NEED ANOTHER ARGUMENT

 

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

this is a new one tho

 

 

that bitch @queen

hang on. fans!! whats the best era for music ?!?

 

 

gay and anxious @leavemealone

nineties, babey

 

 

weeb @animeanime

early 2000s duh

 

 

adams @apple

i have to agree with six, eighties

 

 

heart emoji @lesbean

80s and 90s !!!!!!!!

 

 

what the fuck @richard

THE SEVENTIES WERE PEAK MUSIC TIME

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

BETRAYAL AT ITS FINEST

 

 

80s were the fucking best @sixissexy

*under pressure begins to play*

 

 

go away @thekrakenisgay

BITCH !!!!!!!!

 

 

60s 70s make me WET @ouijatime

why is one never online!! ffs

 

 

Umbrella Acad News @umbrellanews

Modern music! I love Hozier and Billie Eilish, personally.

 

 

EYELASH STAN @thekrakenisgay

FINALLY, SOME GOOD FUCKING FOOD

 

 

moto moto @yeehawww

hh. 13th century. get me that medieval party remix

 

 

that bitch @queen

the only valid opinion (aside from 2010 - 2015 ofc)

 

 

gay bob ross @turnthemusicup

1700s classical music only babes xoxoxoxoxxoo

 

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

uhh the early 2000s werent too bad iguess. also the fifties

 

 

60s 70s make me WET @ouijatime

u are all wrong unless u agreed with me and THATS the tea

 

 

buff boy @moonstars

um. 90s

 

 

EYELASH STAN @thekrakenisgay

I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I FUCKINFSHGDFHSDJHF HATE U

 

 

EYELASH STAN @thekrakenisgay

MODERN MUSIC ONLY IN THIS HOUSEHOLD

 

 

Buzzfeed @buzzfeedofficial

Tell Us Your Favourite Member of the Umbrella Academy and We'll Guess Your Favourite Musical Decade!

 

 

heart emoji @lesbean

!!! yall got buzzfeed involved im cryinf

 

 

adams @apple

ok so!!! one is into nineties music. two is modern music. three is 2010 - 15. four is 60s/70s. five is early 2000s. six is 80s and sevens is literally listed as 1780s. 

 

 

gay bob ross @turnthemusicup

yall. got buzzfeed into this. sinners.

 

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

*amy winehouse voice* what kind of fuckery is this

 

 

what the fuck @richard

@thekrakenisgay pls accept my apology im sad

 

 

EYELASH STAN @thekrakenisgay

shit my guy thats all u had to say 

 

 

classical! @turnthemusicup

everyone say thank u richard


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning! this chapter contains homophobia committed by a ‘helen’ alongside passing mentions of racism, classism, ableism and transphobia. stay safe !!

classical! @turnthemusicup

hi hello 🅱️lease stop sending us porn of ourselves in fanfic / fanart form !!

 

classical! @turnthemusicup

u can write / draw them all u want. im not about to rage at u for shipping us together. but please don’t send them to us if they involve smut!! we are underage!!

 

spoopy @ouijatime

yes!! and also please keep in mind that most of us aren’t straight!! please be respectful of our sexualities

 

heart emoji @lesbean

yes these are some very valid points i hope u don’t mind me asking to confirm ur sexualities ? i don’t mind if u can’t its okay!!!! don’t feel pressured into it <3333

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

sure ! 1 is straight, 2 is bi, 3 is lesbian, 4 is pannie, im demi, 6 is ace and 7 is lesbian also pls be respectful xoxo

 

Helen @HelenC

This is disgusting. Don’t claim to save us when really you’re destroying us with this gay propaganda. I refuse to let my children grow up with faggots ‘protecting them’. Absolutely revolting.

 

bee movie stan @sixissexy

hi ‘helen’! thanks for ur addition! except, no thanks. ur employers are definitely finding out about ur homophobic tendecies. scrolling through ur profile, it seems ur transphobic, too. how tragic.

 

that bitch @queen

a word of advice ? don’t leave ur address where anyone could find it. oh, and you work at a fast food chain ? hmm.

 

knives @thekrakenisgay

oh, what’s this i see ? u abandoned ur child because they came out as bi to u ? ah i see. Enjoy The Remainder Of The Knife-Free Section Of Your Life!

 

Helen @HelenC

You can’t do that. Dirty fag!!!

 

what the fuck @richard

ah. would you need any assistance taking this bitch down ?

 

classical! @turnthemusicup

much appreciated, thanks richard!

 

bees @buzzbuzz

WAIT UR ALL UNDERAGE ?!?!??

 

————

 

Umbrella Acad News @umbrellanews

The Umbrella Academy went off on a violently homophobic woman today. The police have received multiple tips that detail a few more racist, classist and ableist crimes that the woman has commited in letter form, signed with ‘rich xoxo’. Some assume this was @richard, though these claims have not been verified.

 

what the fuck @richard

imma bad bitch what of it

 

what the fuck @richard

(her transphobic actions dont sit well with me, a trans male, so i took action that’s all this is. i would ask anyone else witnessing these acts to do the same. you don’t have to be LGBTQ+ to be a good ally, so please. help.)

 

spoopy @ouijatime

twitter better verify richard real fuckin soon and delete helen’s account or im going sicko mode

 

————

 

frankie @deathpacito

friendly reminder not to spoil endgame you pricks

 

classical! @turnthemusicup

rt

 

spoopy @ouijatime

rt

 

knives @thekrakenisgay

rt

 

heart emoji @lesbean

rt

 

bee movie stan @sixissexy

rt

 

adams @apple

rt

 

buff boy @moonstars

rt

 

that bitch @queen

rt

 

release me from this mortal coil @numberfive

rt

 

what the fuck @richard

rt

 

Umbrella Acad News @umbrellanews

rt

 

uno reverse card @minecraft

rt

 

lapis @lazuli

rt

**Author's Note:**

> not all of it will be twitter!!! other social medias will pop up and possibly an irl chapter too we'll see


End file.
